Tips On Becoming A Happier Person.

  • Find joy in every moment you experience
  • Get rid of things you don’t need
  • Make time for yourself
  • Get out & experience new things, take a chance & get out of your comfort zone
  • Take time for yourself (putting yourself first every now & then don’t make you selfish)
  • Spend time outdoors & breathe in the fresh air
  • Get out of bed & do something you enjoy
  • Had a silly fight with an old friend? Reconnect with them
  • Make time for the people you love
  • Stop complaining about everything that is going wrong & cherish what is going right
  • Let go of the bitterness & grudges you hold onto
  • Meditate & talk to someone
  • Write down your goals & dreams; Work towards them
  • Be yourself don’t change for anybody
  • Be confident & courageous
  • Always be kind but never anyone’s stepping stone

The Darkest Night With The Devil In Disguise.

Was this the day? Am I going to be another statistic on the news of a girl dying by the hands of her abusive boyfriend?

It was actually a decent day that day, no fighting, not being criticized, just normal for once. I needed normal for once it seemed everyday was always something, so to be able just to hang out and everything be okay was an awesome feeling.

It was a nice summer day and there we were just hanging outside listening to music, playing with his nephew, and enjoying his mother’s company. We finally were fine for once. I was dancing with his little nephew and catching froggies as he would call them. Just a normal summer day as I recalled and he was finally in a good mood. His mother left to go home as the sun started to set, his sister and nephew were living there at the time so they stayed.

My sons were in Florida at the time I was waiting for their FaceTime call. They finally called and we talked for awhile. When we hung up I looked over at him sensing something wrong, so I asked him what was the matter. I should of known not to ask that question because he could flip from being normal to the devil in a blink of an eye.

There he proceeded to pin me down on the bed while he choked me, I frantically tried getting his hands away from my neck. They were so tight and strong I couldn’t do anything. His sister opened up the door because she heard the noises while yelling what are you doing? Get off of her! He turned to her now pinning her up and choking her against the wall.

What would any normal person do run for it while he was preoccupied or put the attention back on yourself? Well I am not the type to stand by and let someone else get hurt, so I put the attention back on myself. Her son woke up by that time and she had him in her arms, screaming for me to hurry as she stood by the front door. I thought I had lost him as I was running around to different parts of the house. While I tried to reach her at the front door he stopped in the middle of us. Turning to his sister and busting her lip open as she held his own nephew in her hands.

No not her I thought as I jumped on his back to put the focus on me once again. I yelled out Go, Get out of here! You guys get somewhere safe don’t worry about me! I could see her hesitation at first as I was being dragged by my hair on the floor but her son needed to be out of there and both of them safe. I was punched, kicked, and threw around like a rag doll which seemed like forever. I would get away and run around to try and hide. I of course avoided the gun room I didn’t need that to pop in his head at the time. I ran around the dining room table and boom he just jumped up on it like Spider-Man where he was right in front of me, with the most evil look.

After a few more hits and feeling helpless I got away once again. I don’t know how I did but I had finally lost him. I was hiding in a room I could hear him yelling out my name, my heart beating faster then ever, & panicking about what I was going to do. I see a window, thank goodness. So I opened it as I could hear him getting closer, I couldn’t get the screen open, shit what now? He was closer I could hear panicking I just ripped the screen open and jumped out.

Finally I’m free I thought as I tried to get back up on my feet to run, but that didn’t last long as he somehow was right behind me tackling me to the ground before I even had a chance. How did he manage to get there so quickly I still ponder on that. He drug me by my hair back towards the window I had just jumped out of while shoving and punching me back into it. This is it, I said to myself I am going to be on the news tomorrow. My sons will grow up without their mother because a narcissistic sociopath is going to take my life and I can’t stop him.

It seemed like hours being in that house, the torture, the pain, and the fear were all unbearable. I don’t know how I managed to get away once again but when I did I made a run for it. Finally I reached the front door and opened it. I’m free I just got to make it too his sister, but as soon as I opened that front door, I was shoved so hard that it felt like I had just hit a car. My neck went back as my body flew forward, my chin hit the porch, and then my head. I must have blacked out for the moment because next thing I know I’m laying face down, not moving, while he kicked me in my ribs telling me to wake up stupid bitch. I laid there for a second trying to process the situation, then I heard his sister yell from the inside of her car to please get up and get in the car.

I forced myself up and ran as fast as I could. I made it as I slammed the car door and locked it, there he was banging on the window. He was trying to get in, she had already been on the phone with the cops, so I honestly don’t really know how much time I had spent in his hell but it seemed never ending. He screamed something and went inside the house, my thought was he was going to get a gun. He’s going to shoot me, as I raised my concern to her, I was about to open the car door. If he comes back out with a gun then drive off, I told his sister. She told me not to open the door but I was not going to let that little boy get hurt or her again. She’s screaming for the cops to hurry up and what was taking so long. He comes back out and I’m ready to open up the door if I see a gun, but he didn’t have gun. He had a belt or something in his hands so I let go of the door handle.

I finally heard the sirens coming down the dirt road while he screamed at me he will show me. He left off into the dark woods and the cops pulled in. The relief I felt was the best feeling ever. I was finally safe and I wasn’t going to be on the news tomorrow. I could finally breathe all though I was still panicky and in shock. They eventually found him, I guess he tried killing himself with a belt and they took him to the hospital. Great trick I thought to myself anything to avoid jail right? The cops took pictures, took statements, and everything they are supposed to do. I went to the hospital to get checked out. I obviously had bruises all over, scratches, scrapes, a busted chin, and a broken front too. So they did cat scans and X-rays. My X-ray showed I had some fractured ribs and had internal bruising but my cat scan came back normal thank goodness.

I got to go home that night thanking God for letting me survive and not letting me be another statistic. I was sore for awhile and I didn’t FaceTime my kids until my face was better. He ended up avoiding jail by going to a mental hospital and getting put on medication. The times before obviously had changed me but that night had the greatest impact on who I am today. That night will forever haunt me and make me realize I am lucky to be alive at the same time.

I am stronger, braver, and more fiercely than I would of ever realized. I have fought battles others would never know because I hold the scars inside. Do not ever judge me because you could not walk a mile in my shoes. I am a survivor, I am a warrior, I am me!

Daily Thoughts Everyday To Tell & Teach Yourself That You Are Enough & Worthy Of Loving Yourself.

  • So I stand out who cares being normal is boring
  • Yes I’ve made mistakes in the past but I’ve also learned from them
  • No one can tell me what I can’t do, I can do whatever I set my mind too
  • I will succeed & if I fail the first time I will not give up until I do
  • I believe in myself because I am the only person who truly knows me
  • I don’t care what people think, their opinions do not define my life
  • I am strong, a lot of people would of given up by now but I haven’t
  • I am beautiful
  • I will not let toxic people keep me from my potential
  • I will be the change I wish to see
  • So what if they left me, it is their loss and my gain
  • I will show the world the potential I have
  • I have no time to hold onto hate, hatred will only slow me down, & make me bitter
  • Who cares where other people are in life, I work at my own pace on my own journey
  • I will choose to be happy because I am the only one who can control my happiness
  • I know what I deserve & will not let anybody give me less
  • I am confident in my actions & beliefs
  • I am a great friend, I will always be there when needed
  • I am enough & whoever doesn’t realize that there’s no point in being in my life
  • If you bring me down I will have no problem walking away
  • I know life is short & I will live everyday like it is
  • Everything that happens is happening for a reason & leading me to my destiny
  • If I am knocked down I will always stand back up
  • I will speak up for what I believe
  • I will not be your door mat, my worth is much more then that
  • I will smile & laugh, that is the best medicine for my soul
  • I will let go of my fears, they only hold me back anyways
  • I will not apologize for who I am, if you don’t like it then that’s on you
  • I will have confidence, just because I have confidence doesn’t make me cocky
  • I am grateful for every experience I have dealt with & every person who has taught me any kind of lesson
  • I am amazing, I am free, I love myself, and I am proud of the warrior I have became

Signs You Are In A Narcissistic Abusive Relationship

  • You notice your not the same person as before
  • Your self-esteem has lowered and you are always anxious
  • You feel like no matter what you do it’s always wrong
  • Always apologizing for little things that shouldn’t have too
  • Feeling of fear everyday and walking on eggshells
  • You are isolated from your friends and family
  • Double thinking everything you say or do before; just in case you make them mad
  • Eventually knowing your opinion, feelings, and words don’t matter so you just become empty agreeing with everything they say
  • You feel crazy even when you aren’t because they have made you feel like you are
  • You blame yourself when you shouldn’t
  • Everyone close to you notices a difference in you but you just make excuses
  • Feeling trapped like you have no choice whether you want to leave
  • Staying because they promise to change and once again you believe them or they use the I will kill myself if you leave me
  • You are not happy at all you feel as if your soul is dead you are just an empty shell
  • They are different then what they seem to be in a public setting
  • Taking all your money because their wants come first
  • Always making excuses for your partner even though deep down you know the truth
  • Lying about every bruise, scratch, scrap etc
  • Never knowing what the day will turn out to be will it be decent or he’ll
  • Feeling like your a prisoner in your own relationship
  • If you recognize these and feel these signs you are in a toxic relationship. It will never get better, no matter what promises they make you.

  • When You’re Young With An Invisible Illness.

    I know I look fine and I also am aware I am only in my 20’s. I get so tired of being reminded of that almost everyday. I wish I felt my age and not like I’m an 80 year old. A lot of people can’t understand what they do not know. I get that but if you don’t know about it then don’t judge someone who is suffering about it. Nobody wants to live their life in pain everyday, especially while they are really young.

    Here is a little insight about invisible illnesses that people suffer and most don’t realize. When I was around 11 or 12 my symptoms started which was crazy because I was always such a healthy kid, so what is going on? I was an athlete and played soccer which was my passion. I remember getting done playing a game and looking down at my hand because it was hurting very badly. When I looked I realized one finger was completely white as snow and just so painful. I showed my mother and she had no idea, we went to the doctor and showed them; they didn’t know either, I mean I was only about 12 who would think it was anything serious. The years went by and that one finger that turned white, went to every single finger and toe. I finally found out it was Raynaud’s disease. It is a disorders where when you get cold or stressed you loose the circulation in fingers and toes. Sometimes it is mild but some are severe where it almost seems constant.

    So I have Raynaud’s, there isn’t much I can do I’ll just wear gloves. Time goes by a year or so later I start realizing my body aches unusually bad for only being around 16. My friends would think I was being dramatic when it would be storming and my knees would hurt so bad I could barely walk. It would not go away, what could it be? I went to the doctor once again and they decided run some blood tests to rule out things, like arthritis, they said it would be highly unlikely for that to be it. Like I was, I bet they were just as shocked as when it came back as rheumatoid arthritis.

    So now I’m a 16 year old with Raynaud’s and rheumatoid arthritis who would of ever thought. The pain still stayed getting worse everyday but I’d just act like nothing was wrong. A few years later I get hospitalized, for my blood platelets getting too low. See people usually have over 150k blood platelets in their body, I only had 1k. That right there was a rough year. They figured out I had ITP and it was rough with all the Blood transfusions, infusions, highest dose of steroids they could give me. They couldn’t understand why nothing was working to keep them level, so they suggested a few things; removing my spleen, a bone marrow biopsy, or chemo therapy. I chose the chemo therapy. I did that once a week for a month and boy did it knock you on your butt. It had seemed to work though I have been in remission.

    So I’m thinking everything is finally fine but I should have known. A year later it was summer and I started noticing every time I went out into the sun my arms would get scolded. They honestly looked like someone poured boiling hot oil all down my arms. I always have tanned and never been sensitive to the sun. I was clueless, I got sicker, my body hurt worse, and all around just miserable. I got sent to a rheumatologist who did lab work. My blood work came back positive for rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. He ended up telling me I have MCTD (Mixture Connective Tissue Disease). It was never ending I felt like. Every time I go to the doctor it is something new. So in my naive way I stopped going to doctors. If I didn’t think about it I wouldn’t have to worry about it right?

    That’s not right though, I finally made an appointment to go back. My pain is constant and chronic. I get random symptoms, honestly I have no idea what I’ll wake up with. I can never get rested because of chronic fatigue. I find myself forgetting things quite frequently and forgetting what I’m going to say in the middle of a sentence. It scares me honestly I am only 27. Am I going to be disabled before 30? Will I have to have a walker or cane to just get around? Will one of my main organs get affected and shut down?

    I might be young and look fine on the outside, but don’t judge me when you have no idea the battle I’m going through on the inside. Nobody knows about battles anybody is facing so don’t just assume anything. Yes I’m young and look healthy but have you walked a day in my shoes? I bet if you have you’d never judge another person again.

    It’s Okay To Be Angry.

    It is okay to be angry about the abuse you endured, the lies you were told, the hurt you were given. Take time to be angry, do not keep it in. You can not start to heal if you do not let yourself be angry. Keeping it inside will only make it worse, it needs to escape your soul. If you do not let yourself be angry, it will grow into depression, self hatred, and most likely redirected anger. After being in an abusive relationship you overthink everything.

    • I should have done this differently
    • I should of said this instead
    • I should of stood up for myself
    • Why did I not leave sooner how was I so stupid
      I should of seen all the signs in the beginning
  • Thinking back about what you should or shouldn’t have done isn’t going to help your growth. You even might start seeing yourself becoming angry but over little stuff and at the wrong people, because you are angry at yourself. You shouldn’t be angry at yourself because nothing was your fault. So instead of keeping the anger in or redirecting it to someone who doesn’t deserve it, take time to let your anger out.
    • Set times where you need to just let your anger out
      Think about what your anger is directed too and let it out
      Let it out in your own personal setting in your room, in your car away from others, or drive to a secluded area. Wherever you can feel comfortable & not hurt others
      Scream as loud as you want, pretend your telling the person your thinking of whatever comes to mind, punch your pillow, whatever you have to do.
  • When you let your anger out in your own way, private, and personal way, you don’t have to actually hurt anyone else. You can let the anger release out of your body day by day. You can start feeling more like a weight has been lifted off of you. It’s okay to be angry and let it out, but just make sure your doing it more in a positive way so you can heal without wounding others who never deserved it.
  • He Stole Her Soul.

    She had fire that burned with passion in her heart.

    Her eyes would sparkle with the sun light.

    Her smile & laugh were so bright.

    She had a wild soul full of love that you could fall in love with that first sight.

    She fell head over heels for the perfect guy.

    She was so in love where she felt so high.

    Until the day he took off his mask.

    He started ruining her more each day.

    It all happened so fast she didn’t know what to say.

    She lost that sparkle in her eye as each day went by.

    She always questioned him why.

    As she covered up the bruises in the mirror.

    She knew this wasn’t love that was getting clearer.

    Her self worth and soul were taken away.

    He made sure of that by each day.

    She questioned herself & wondered what she did so wrong.

    All she did was show him love all along.

    The violence got worse but she kept it inside.

    Her smile wasn’t bright anymore as she tried to hide behind it.

    She just couldn’t take it anymore one bit.

    He took away her soul as to where she was weak.

    He made sure she believed she was a freak.

    She started to think about who she used to be.

    Each bruise and cut, she just thought how could this be me.

    She knew she wouldn’t make it if she were to stay.

    She just couldn’t seem to find her way.

    Her soul was broken so what could she do.

    He had already managed to take everyone away from her too.

    Finally she realized she has had enough.

    She remembered she used to be tough.

    She took her broken soul & finally broke free.

    She finally realized what she couldn’t see.

    She got the strength and walked away.

    She knew if she stayed she would be dead one day.

    7 Rules You Need To Realize First For A Better Life

    1. Stop Overthinking Things! When you over think a situation you end up thinking of only the negative & stopping yourself from enjoying life.
    2. There is no such thing as perfect so quit trying to be. Nobody is perfect even the ones who might seem to be, we are humans who make mistakes & that is okay.
    3. Stop worrying about others. Do not compare your life to others because everyone has their own pace and their own journeys. Also, who cares what people think about you. People don’t define your life, you do!
    4. Love yourself first. If you don’t love yourself then how could you love anyone else. Self love is the most important part for you to actually start enjoying life.
    5. Quit worrying about the past. So you made mistakes? We all do, doesn’t mean it has to define you forever.
    6. Be the difference you want to see in the world. This world can suck, we all know it. Whatever you believe in stand up for it. Shown others you are not ashamed to be different.
    7. Never give up. If you are quick to give up when things don’t go your way how will you ever succeed? See failures as a learning experience and keep trying till you get it right.Blog

    To The Sister Who I No Longer Have & The Dark Cloud That Follows, I Will Not Be Stopped!

    Why do I have the worst luck? Why can’t one thing go right? Why is life out to get me? Why is there a black cloud following me?

    Those are the questions I end up asking myself at least once a week. This damn black cloud that follows me sure does not give up. I sometimes wonder if my ancestors pissed off a witch or something. The witch must of put a curse on everybody including their children’s children and so on. Something literally had to have happened because I can’t make my bad luck go away.

    I am an empath so my personality is always putting others first, if I had it you had it. Should I feel bad for thinking maybe I shouldn’t be, because honestly maybe if I wasn’t a good person maybe I’d never have had to go through half of what I’ve been through. You give everything you can until the users and abusers have drained your soul, but yet just can’t stop helping out.

    I know there are people out there who are worse off, I will not ever second guess that. At least I have a place to stay and healthy kids, so I can’t complain too much. I just wonder though why does it not only storm when it rains but strikes me with lightening. When something bad happens does it seem like it is like a domino effect?

    At a young age I started getting weird symptoms of different things, every year seemed to be something new. I was pretty much like a lab rat because doctors could never figure out what was going on. I mean who would have symptoms like these this young? The final result and actually the last time I went to the specialist was I had Mixture Connective Tissue Disease, which is an autoimmune disease that mimics whatever it wants. I live with chronic pain everyday and it is just getting worse so I am finally going back when they can get me in. So my own body doesn’t like me pretty much and I just wonder what have I done to this universe to hate me so much that my own body does as well.

    Even all my past relationships have been horrible, I always fall for a narcissistic horrible person. Even after realizing I just think they need to be shown love in order to love. That is never the case they just want to mentally, physically, financially abuse you. I have had everything taken from me, from my self esteem to the way I look at things. I used to be hopeful, goofy, and actually could put on a real smile instead of a fake one. The world is really cruel I have realized, I even started preparing my sons that not everything or everyone is who they pretend to be. Now that is a sad thing when you just have to let them know so they aren’t oblivious to the world.

    I stopped hoping for the best and just preparing for the worse because that is all I receive pretty much. I get scared when I am actually happy because I know what follows that, always a broken heart and more questions. I have gotten so used to it, that when people get shocked and say they are so sorry I always reply it’s life nonchalantly because that’s what I expect. No matter what is happening in my life it always shows me never get too comfortable, it will change soon.

    I even know not to trust family, I’ve seen the worst from them. I guess because I expect them to be different from others it hurts worse. If you asked me a month ago if I had a sister I would say yes, now if you ask me I will say no. No matter what anyone has done to me in my life nothing beats what she did, so she is dead to me as cruel as it might sound, but in my eyes I have no sibling. The older sister I used to have is dead to me, the one I helped out more then I should have. When she needed money I gave it to her, let her borrow my car whenever she needed, or bought whatever she needed. She was family and that’s what family does right?

    So this is the part where I messed up at, thinking life was actually going great and was going to get better. Yeah that changed fast quickly and still is not stopping seems like. See I worked with developmentally delayed or mental health residents. So once again even being at work all I am doing is helping people. I worked evenings for too long and just waited it out hoping for a day shift to open up. Finally it did and I could be home with my sons every night. So now I’m working a day time shift with great days off, home with my kids every night, and out of my abusive relationship. Things were finally going as planned and I was so thankful, this is the break I needed.

    Life was awesome and finally coming together, until the person who I used to identify as my sister did what she does best. See she has always been a manipulative narcissistic pathological liar. She was always messing up someone’s life and even though it did mine a lot it wasn’t as big of a deal and still would help her out whenever. She was still supposed to be my sister even if she was always lying or making something up about me to someone else,who cares right because I know who I am.

    Then the day came actually not too long ago, this past Thursday, that she did something I wouldn’t even do to my own worst enemy. She never liked being called out in her lies but if I already had proof I would and she’d throw a fit. So she tries getting me kicked out of the house by telling my mother how I was saying all of these things behind her back. I’m not one too talk behind a back I will gladly say it to your face and own up to it. Next thing I know I’m getting kicked out, I confront my sister, she denies it of course, but I already knew and she threw a fit. Well her plan didn’t work because my mother and I talked and figured what we already had known to be true that she was back to her ways again.

    She didn’t win once again and that really pisses her off. So it is Thursday which is my Friday and the day is going great. It is an hour away from my shift to end and weekend to begin so I was excited, but that quickly turned for the worse. My boss turns to me and tells me how she had been trying to fight this but it is out of her control while handing me a piece of paper. I am so confused like what’s going on and realized how someone had called and lied about a bunch of stuff about me, she asked if I had any clue as to who it could of been. I automatically knew and I was let go! A job I have had for years that I actually liked and had a shift I wanted just gone? I couldn’t believe it, why? How could your own blood go as low as getting their sister and the mother of her nephews fired? I still can’t believe it as I am writing this.

    Now I am jobless with two sons who depend on me, bills piling up, what am I going to do? While she live at the same place as me so I have to see her everyday just drives me crazy. No matter how angry I am, I couldn’t do anything because she has a brain disorder and has had 16 brain surgeries. So she is considered disabled and gets a check, she has no idea what it is like having to put someone else first or having someone depend on her. How could someone be that low, especially your own sister? At least I had finally set up therapy for the first time in my life beforehand and my appointment was the next day. That should help a little right? Get some things off my chest for once, I have never been good at explaining my feelings but I definitely could now.It is Friday and the day of my appointment of course I barely slept and still am in disbelief. I realize it is time to start getting ready for my appointment. Of course, as I said it, I get a call to reschedule the appointment because she is out of office today. The domino effect and black cloud are working together now. Just been one thing after another.

    I am trying to stay strong for my sons but it is very hard. I have been questioning, maybe I am actually a bad person, but I know I am not. I have been given a shitty hand all my life and for what reason? I really am thinking that this black cloud is not going to stop till I finally break. My heart is just getting colder and maybe I should be a monster. Just become a bad person because being good is not getting me anywhere. They say the good guys finish last right? That thought has crossed my mind way too much the past couple of days and I still can’t bring myself to be a horrible person. The cycle will just continue if I do, because my sons would see that is the way to be and I can not let them be horrible people. I will tell you it is very hard trying to mentally heal yourself and be a parent at the same time, because all I want to do is give up, but I can’t. Not only is it I can’t, I won’t give up. I have always been a fighter and protector, so I will not let that stop me. I will do better and achieve more, just to prove you can’t keep me down. What doesn’t kill ya makes ya stronger right? My motivation to succeed is not stopping and I will get there. Until then I am just an only child, who is fighting a dark cloud, and will let karma finish the rest.

    To You I Write This Letter

    This letter is to you,

    I know you have been struggling lately trying to stay afloat. Your whole world is turning upside down and you have no clue as to why. You have put on your brace face for too long and you can’t take it any longer. You’re trying to believe there is good in this world but all you are seeing is bad. Why can’t you just catch a break, why can’t something go right for once, why can’t you just be happy? You are at rock bottom right now and you’ve been here more then you’d like to admit. So why shouldn’t you give up, life certainly shows that you should right? You have been so good to people but people have managed to suck the soul right out of you. So why should you try anymore?

    I’ll tell you why you should keep going, you are a fighter never backing down no matter what! You are what makes this world different, you might now believe that but we need someone like you to guide others. You don’t understand how incredible you are. You motivate others, that’s why it might seem like the world is out to get you but don’t let it! So see yourself for who you truly are, don’t give up, & stay that warrior you’ve always been.