Why do I have the worst luck? Why can’t one thing go right? Why is life out to get me? Why is there a black cloud following me?
Those are the questions I end up asking myself at least once a week. This damn black cloud that follows me sure does not give up. I sometimes wonder if my ancestors pissed off a witch or something. The witch must of put a curse on everybody including their children’s children and so on. Something literally had to have happened because I can’t make my bad luck go away.
I am an empath so my personality is always putting others first, if I had it you had it. Should I feel bad for thinking maybe I shouldn’t be, because honestly maybe if I wasn’t a good person maybe I’d never have had to go through half of what I’ve been through. You give everything you can until the users and abusers have drained your soul, but yet just can’t stop helping out.
I know there are people out there who are worse off, I will not ever second guess that. At least I have a place to stay and healthy kids, so I can’t complain too much. I just wonder though why does it not only storm when it rains but strikes me with lightening. When something bad happens does it seem like it is like a domino effect?
At a young age I started getting weird symptoms of different things, every year seemed to be something new. I was pretty much like a lab rat because doctors could never figure out what was going on. I mean who would have symptoms like these this young? The final result and actually the last time I went to the specialist was I had Mixture Connective Tissue Disease, which is an autoimmune disease that mimics whatever it wants. I live with chronic pain everyday and it is just getting worse so I am finally going back when they can get me in. So my own body doesn’t like me pretty much and I just wonder what have I done to this universe to hate me so much that my own body does as well.
Even all my past relationships have been horrible, I always fall for a narcissistic horrible person. Even after realizing I just think they need to be shown love in order to love. That is never the case they just want to mentally, physically, financially abuse you. I have had everything taken from me, from my self esteem to the way I look at things. I used to be hopeful, goofy, and actually could put on a real smile instead of a fake one. The world is really cruel I have realized, I even started preparing my sons that not everything or everyone is who they pretend to be. Now that is a sad thing when you just have to let them know so they aren’t oblivious to the world.
I stopped hoping for the best and just preparing for the worse because that is all I receive pretty much. I get scared when I am actually happy because I know what follows that, always a broken heart and more questions. I have gotten so used to it, that when people get shocked and say they are so sorry I always reply it’s life nonchalantly because that’s what I expect. No matter what is happening in my life it always shows me never get too comfortable, it will change soon.
I even know not to trust family, I’ve seen the worst from them. I guess because I expect them to be different from others it hurts worse. If you asked me a month ago if I had a sister I would say yes, now if you ask me I will say no. No matter what anyone has done to me in my life nothing beats what she did, so she is dead to me as cruel as it might sound, but in my eyes I have no sibling. The older sister I used to have is dead to me, the one I helped out more then I should have. When she needed money I gave it to her, let her borrow my car whenever she needed, or bought whatever she needed. She was family and that’s what family does right?
So this is the part where I messed up at, thinking life was actually going great and was going to get better. Yeah that changed fast quickly and still is not stopping seems like. See I worked with developmentally delayed or mental health residents. So once again even being at work all I am doing is helping people. I worked evenings for too long and just waited it out hoping for a day shift to open up. Finally it did and I could be home with my sons every night. So now I’m working a day time shift with great days off, home with my kids every night, and out of my abusive relationship. Things were finally going as planned and I was so thankful, this is the break I needed.
Life was awesome and finally coming together, until the person who I used to identify as my sister did what she does best. See she has always been a manipulative narcissistic pathological liar. She was always messing up someone’s life and even though it did mine a lot it wasn’t as big of a deal and still would help her out whenever. She was still supposed to be my sister even if she was always lying or making something up about me to someone else,who cares right because I know who I am.
Then the day came actually not too long ago, this past Thursday, that she did something I wouldn’t even do to my own worst enemy. She never liked being called out in her lies but if I already had proof I would and she’d throw a fit. So she tries getting me kicked out of the house by telling my mother how I was saying all of these things behind her back. I’m not one too talk behind a back I will gladly say it to your face and own up to it. Next thing I know I’m getting kicked out, I confront my sister, she denies it of course, but I already knew and she threw a fit. Well her plan didn’t work because my mother and I talked and figured what we already had known to be true that she was back to her ways again.
She didn’t win once again and that really pisses her off. So it is Thursday which is my Friday and the day is going great. It is an hour away from my shift to end and weekend to begin so I was excited, but that quickly turned for the worse. My boss turns to me and tells me how she had been trying to fight this but it is out of her control while handing me a piece of paper. I am so confused like what’s going on and realized how someone had called and lied about a bunch of stuff about me, she asked if I had any clue as to who it could of been. I automatically knew and I was let go! A job I have had for years that I actually liked and had a shift I wanted just gone? I couldn’t believe it, why? How could your own blood go as low as getting their sister and the mother of her nephews fired? I still can’t believe it as I am writing this.
Now I am jobless with two sons who depend on me, bills piling up, what am I going to do? While she live at the same place as me so I have to see her everyday just drives me crazy. No matter how angry I am, I couldn’t do anything because she has a brain disorder and has had 16 brain surgeries. So she is considered disabled and gets a check, she has no idea what it is like having to put someone else first or having someone depend on her. How could someone be that low, especially your own sister? At least I had finally set up therapy for the first time in my life beforehand and my appointment was the next day. That should help a little right? Get some things off my chest for once, I have never been good at explaining my feelings but I definitely could now.It is Friday and the day of my appointment of course I barely slept and still am in disbelief. I realize it is time to start getting ready for my appointment. Of course, as I said it, I get a call to reschedule the appointment because she is out of office today. The domino effect and black cloud are working together now. Just been one thing after another.
I am trying to stay strong for my sons but it is very hard. I have been questioning, maybe I am actually a bad person, but I know I am not. I have been given a shitty hand all my life and for what reason? I really am thinking that this black cloud is not going to stop till I finally break. My heart is just getting colder and maybe I should be a monster. Just become a bad person because being good is not getting me anywhere. They say the good guys finish last right? That thought has crossed my mind way too much the past couple of days and I still can’t bring myself to be a horrible person. The cycle will just continue if I do, because my sons would see that is the way to be and I can not let them be horrible people. I will tell you it is very hard trying to mentally heal yourself and be a parent at the same time, because all I want to do is give up, but I can’t. Not only is it I can’t, I won’t give up. I have always been a fighter and protector, so I will not let that stop me. I will do better and achieve more, just to prove you can’t keep me down. What doesn’t kill ya makes ya stronger right? My motivation to succeed is not stopping and I will get there. Until then I am just an only child, who is fighting a dark cloud, and will let karma finish the rest.