The Weird Normal For A Family In The Eyes Of A Little Girl

Normal families usually include a mother, father, sibling setting right? Well that wasn’t my reality, mine was mother and mother’s secret boyfriend. Father with fathers secret girlfriend. Even being really young you pretty much know that isn’t normal but being young you don’t really take it into consideration that much, I mean we had to act like the perfect family for the worlds view. Except it wasn’t normal, I knew better not to mention to either parent about their other significant other, but being grilled and asked all the time sometimes I would slip and accidentally tell. I was just tired of the arguing, the fighting, the being woken up in the middle of the night by fighting because once again mom came home drunk to fight with dad. I don’t know how many times being drug out of bed in the middle of the night cause one of them found out where the other one was. Mommy I would yell daddy is beating up your boyfriend or vice versa. That was my normal version of a “family.” The time finally came for the divorce, I know most kids would be distraught but honestly I was relieved. I was tired of faking a happy family when in reality it was complete chaos behind closed doors. How worse could it get now right? The question you should never ask yourself because it can be. I was a daddy’s girl but his new girlfriend wanted me out of the picture you see because she had her own daughters who needed a father, so slowly I was pushed aside with my dad being oblivious to what was happening not seeing how she was always making me feel uncomfortable being there, made it known by her I wasn’t welcomed. I quit coming around I quit trying I wasn’t relevant anymore he had 3 other daughters to take care of now. Now I didn’t have my dad and was stuck with my mother. See she’s a narcissist & needs someone around to make miserable that’s how she thrives. She’s a puppet master and loves pulling on those strings. I had no one when I needed them the most. She ended up being in the bars mostly every night bringing home every joe blow anyways so at least I had that to give me a break from the mental destruction that was leading me too. Even with growing up thinking that was normal it made me know what I didn’t want to be like. So far have succeeded and will make sure I never do. With that being said I’m going to end it right there, there’s more that builds up to all of this but I’ll continue it later. I was always great in grade school, it was like I had to prove something by getting A’s and always on honor roll. I had to be perfect I felt, to gain the approval of my parents because I didn’t want to disappoint them. My father was and still is well respected in town, so at the time I wanted to prove I wasn’t going to be a fuck up. Well while daddy was playing daddy to his girlfriends daughters obviously I didn’t have one except whoever my mother decided to marry and divorce but still never got close enough to another “father” figure. Maybe that is why I ended up always picking the emotionally disturbed boyfriends or I just attract them who knows.  Well after realizing I wasn’t that important anymore who cares what I did right? My mother wasn’t paying attention because she was too busy & my father was gone. In my preteen years I didn’t care about my grades and I missed school whenever I wanted because I was grown, as I thought. I didn’t have a curfew, who cares who I was hanging out with, and so on. My mother was too busy finding the next love of her life at bars mostly every night. I had my little boyfriends in Jr. High but nothing ever serious. You maybe go to the movies with friends then break up a couple weeks later and find another. I was a prude anyways there wasn’t anyway I was going to kiss a boy at 11 or 12. I wasn’t going to be considered a slut, even though everyone pretty much already had their first kiss by that time. How a year or so later could change everything is crazy. While I was 13 or so the summer before my 8th grade year I met a guy. Yes I will say guy because he is 4 years older then me. Well obviously my mother was still busy & didn’t bother with it. I ended up having my first “real” boyfriend who was in high school I felt so cool at the time. So obviously he ended up being my first kiss, right down to loosing my virginity to him at 14. I was so in love nobody was going to tell me any different, my dad tried stepping in every once in a while but hey where have you been? Do not start trying to be a father now & my mother would let him stay over even. I was really grown then, but who would have known how grown I would actually become in less then a year. So here I am first year of High School now and I can not wait for all the exciting things I thought it would be like. Life had different plans though as you probably would figure, well sure my boyfriend and I had our ups and downs but we survived a year, still going strong. A month into High School I realized something was not right. I was becoming sick a lot in the mornings and when was my last period I had no idea. Can you guys guess what I ended up finding out? If you answered pregnant, ding ding ding you are correct. I remember my boyfriend giving me the test to take in the middle of the night because I was terrified, so I took it sat in the bathroom and waited. Picked the test up and boom 2 lines positive. I came out of the bathroom of course in tears I mean I am 14 years old, just started high school, had my whole life ahead of me, and my parents were going to kill me. I showed him the positive stick while crying and he just looks blank, tells me he needs to go take a walk. Nothing more and nothing less, just left there by myself crying and going crazy. He never showed back up that night. He was 18 and too young for a kid ya know? So of course he changed, made me feel like nothing, he was so sweet before how could this change that? Each day I thought about what I was going to do, obviously I was on my own, and I couldn’t tell my parents. I don’t believe in abortions but I am not going to lie it crossed my mind, adoption no because I don’t want to go through wondering my whole life. I was stuck, but I continued to hide the fact I was pregnant. Well, you know how teenagers are if you tell someone something confidential they will tell the next and so on. I was now the school slut, even though I had only been with the same guy and let me tell you there were plenty who had already passed me by a long shot. Gosh those damn judgmental stares would kill me, I hated being acknowledged. If your wondering if my parents had found out yet nope and I still had no clue what I was going to do, I guess just keep it hidden until the baby started coming out, that was my plan. Well my best friends mother came by who knew about me being pregnant, and at first its a casual conversation between the two, not like they never talked, until she turned to me and told me how I had to tell her. My heart shrunk, terror filled my heart, and tears filled my eyes, while begging no please, while my mom was in ear shot. She tells my mom it is probably best if she sat down, oh gosh here it goes I’m going to die I thought. She kept asking what so finally I just blurted out I’m pregnant. She acted just how I thought breaking things, screaming, calling the whole damn family. So my family all comes by including my father with his girlfriend telling me how I will get rid of this problem while handing me printed off abortion clinic papers. Just some information my dads girlfriend had three daughters who all had their first child at 16, so I had no idea why she was there supporting him. I told him no I was not and not to mention it again. Well he said some words I was a disappointment and will just be a single mother living off of welfare my whole life. I let him know I didn’t plan on him having such a big roll in his grandchild’s life anyways considering his only daughter doesn’t have one. He was quick to cancel me off of his medical insurance the very next day, funny huh. Well after everything is calmed down an appointment is made. I go without the father of course and find out I am over 3 months along. I made the decision which I honestly knew beforehand I was going to take care of my baby no matter what anybody said. So my oldest sons dad continued to be an asshole, still is to this day and never went to any appointments or helped with anything. The day comes to give birth and honestly I thought I would be crazy but I was calm even though everyone else was fighting with each other. I honestly didn’t think his father was going to show, but he did at the last minute and got to see the birth. He cut the cord, took a few pictures, said his hellos, and left. I stepped up and have been there, hell even at least graduated High School. My mom likes to tell it different though, she raised him all by herself because she was always raising me right? I worked so I needed the help in the afternoon but she tells a different story of course. She had my son brainwashed for the longest, which caused problems on our relationship which come on I was and am always here. Thankfully my son is older now and sees things and knows better. All that I have seen in my earlier years actually shaped me into the person I am, I mean I am a chaotic mess but I know what kind of parent I am. I learned not to be a narcissist, manipulator, & actually be involved. Show love to my children because the L word was very rarely used in my childhood. I am empathetic and strong, I have and will continue to raise my boys right no matter what. So with the weird normal for a family in my eyes as a little girl, I guess it actually helped me in some way. (This might not have been the best blog ever but give a girl a break, I am just starting out lol & also give a girl some support guys come on hit that follow button. I’ll get better at this writing thing & my chaotic life never stopped there. So I hope you guys tolerated this and will back me up) Much Love- Delightfully Chaotic

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