I Might Be A Little Chaotic But At Least I’m Delightful

Well I am 27 year old, sarcastic, stubborn, & feisty woman. I have two sons ages 11 and 7, who are complete opposites and they are my world. I have decided to start blogging, I have no idea if I will be good at it but it’s worth a try. In my 27 years of life I’ve honestly had more then my fair shares of chaos. I have always said there was a dark cloud that follows me around. I decided to write about experiences I have suffered to reach out to those who maybe have experienced the same thing or are silently suffering. My goal is to let others know they are not alone and can reach out to me about anything, because I have most likely been through a similar situation and if I haven’t then I’m always here to talk. I have suffered mental, emotional, & domestic abuse. I’ve dealt with narcissists, sociopaths, & pathological liars. So obviously I’ve also dealt with my fair share of mental health issues & anxiety, along with autoimmune diseases that are chronic. Like I said a dark cloud follows me. Through all of the things I have been through I have survived even surviving a suicide attempt which I honestly shouldn’t have, but I’m glad I did. So I’m hoping I am here for a reason, even if it is just impacting one persons life by reaching out. I will not let my past define me or my happiness. I might be empathetic but I am done being other people’s stepping stone. If you are a survivor or silently suffering please reach out whenever you need to. I’m always available most of the time & will get back as soon as I can if you do reach out, there is no judgement here. Don’t forget to hit That subscribe and follow button.

Much Love❤️

-Delightfully Chaotic 💋

He Stole Her Soul.

She had fire that burned with passion in her heart.

Her eyes would sparkle with the sun light.

Her smile & laugh were so bright.

She had a wild soul full of love that you could fall in love with that first sight.

She fell head over heels for the perfect guy.

She was so in love where she felt so high.

Until the day he took off his mask.

He started ruining her more each day.

It all happened so fast she didn’t know what to say.

She lost that sparkle in her eye as each day went by.

She always questioned him why.

As she covered up the bruises in the mirror.

She knew this wasn’t love that was getting clearer.

Her self worth and soul were taken away.

He made sure of that by each day.

She questioned herself & wondered what she did so wrong.

All she did was show him love all along.

The violence got worse but she kept it inside.

Her smile wasn’t bright anymore as she tried to hide behind it.

She just couldn’t take it anymore one bit.

He took away her soul as to where she was weak.

He made sure she believed she was a freak.

She started to think about who she used to be.

Each bruise and cut, she just thought how could this be me.

She knew she wouldn’t make it if she were to stay.

She just couldn’t seem to find her way.

Her soul was broken so what could she do.

He had already managed to take everyone away from her too.

Finally she realized she has had enough.

She remembered she used to be tough.

She took her broken soul & finally broke free.

She finally realized what she couldn’t see.

She got the strength and walked away.

She knew if she stayed she would be dead one day.

7 Rules You Need To Realize First For A Better Life

  1. Stop Overthinking Things! When you over think a situation you end up thinking of only the negative & stopping yourself from enjoying life.
  2. There is no such thing as perfect so quit trying to be. Nobody is perfect even the ones who might seem to be, we are humans who make mistakes & that is okay.
  3. Stop worrying about others. Do not compare your life to others because everyone has their own pace and their own journeys. Also, who cares what people think about you. People don’t define your life, you do!
  4. Love yourself first. If you don’t love yourself then how could you love anyone else. Self love is the most important part for you to actually start enjoying life.
  5. Quit worrying about the past. So you made mistakes? We all do, doesn’t mean it has to define you forever.
  6. Be the difference you want to see in the world. This world can suck, we all know it. Whatever you believe in stand up for it. Shown others you are not ashamed to be different.
  7. Never give up. If you are quick to give up when things don’t go your way how will you ever succeed? See failures as a learning experience and keep trying till you get it right.Blog

To The Sister Who I No Longer Have & The Dark Cloud That Follows, I Will Not Be Stopped!

Why do I have the worst luck? Why can’t one thing go right? Why is life out to get me? Why is there a black cloud following me?

Those are the questions I end up asking myself at least once a week. This damn black cloud that follows me sure does not give up. I sometimes wonder if my ancestors pissed off a witch or something. The witch must of put a curse on everybody including their children’s children and so on. Something literally had to have happened because I can’t make my bad luck go away.

I am an empath so my personality is always putting others first, if I had it you had it. Should I feel bad for thinking maybe I shouldn’t be, because honestly maybe if I wasn’t a good person maybe I’d never have had to go through half of what I’ve been through. You give everything you can until the users and abusers have drained your soul, but yet just can’t stop helping out.

I know there are people out there who are worse off, I will not ever second guess that. At least I have a place to stay and healthy kids, so I can’t complain too much. I just wonder though why does it not only storm when it rains but strikes me with lightening. When something bad happens does it seem like it is like a domino effect?

At a young age I started getting weird symptoms of different things, every year seemed to be something new. I was pretty much like a lab rat because doctors could never figure out what was going on. I mean who would have symptoms like these this young? The final result and actually the last time I went to the specialist was I had Mixture Connective Tissue Disease, which is an autoimmune disease that mimics whatever it wants. I live with chronic pain everyday and it is just getting worse so I am finally going back when they can get me in. So my own body doesn’t like me pretty much and I just wonder what have I done to this universe to hate me so much that my own body does as well.

Even all my past relationships have been horrible, I always fall for a narcissistic horrible person. Even after realizing I just think they need to be shown love in order to love. That is never the case they just want to mentally, physically, financially abuse you. I have had everything taken from me, from my self esteem to the way I look at things. I used to be hopeful, goofy, and actually could put on a real smile instead of a fake one. The world is really cruel I have realized, I even started preparing my sons that not everything or everyone is who they pretend to be. Now that is a sad thing when you just have to let them know so they aren’t oblivious to the world.

I stopped hoping for the best and just preparing for the worse because that is all I receive pretty much. I get scared when I am actually happy because I know what follows that, always a broken heart and more questions. I have gotten so used to it, that when people get shocked and say they are so sorry I always reply it’s life nonchalantly because that’s what I expect. No matter what is happening in my life it always shows me never get too comfortable, it will change soon.

I even know not to trust family, I’ve seen the worst from them. I guess because I expect them to be different from others it hurts worse. If you asked me a month ago if I had a sister I would say yes, now if you ask me I will say no. No matter what anyone has done to me in my life nothing beats what she did, so she is dead to me as cruel as it might sound, but in my eyes I have no sibling. The older sister I used to have is dead to me, the one I helped out more then I should have. When she needed money I gave it to her, let her borrow my car whenever she needed, or bought whatever she needed. She was family and that’s what family does right?

So this is the part where I messed up at, thinking life was actually going great and was going to get better. Yeah that changed fast quickly and still is not stopping seems like. See I worked with developmentally delayed or mental health residents. So once again even being at work all I am doing is helping people. I worked evenings for too long and just waited it out hoping for a day shift to open up. Finally it did and I could be home with my sons every night. So now I’m working a day time shift with great days off, home with my kids every night, and out of my abusive relationship. Things were finally going as planned and I was so thankful, this is the break I needed.

Life was awesome and finally coming together, until the person who I used to identify as my sister did what she does best. See she has always been a manipulative narcissistic pathological liar. She was always messing up someone’s life and even though it did mine a lot it wasn’t as big of a deal and still would help her out whenever. She was still supposed to be my sister even if she was always lying or making something up about me to someone else,who cares right because I know who I am.

Then the day came actually not too long ago, this past Thursday, that she did something I wouldn’t even do to my own worst enemy. She never liked being called out in her lies but if I already had proof I would and she’d throw a fit. So she tries getting me kicked out of the house by telling my mother how I was saying all of these things behind her back. I’m not one too talk behind a back I will gladly say it to your face and own up to it. Next thing I know I’m getting kicked out, I confront my sister, she denies it of course, but I already knew and she threw a fit. Well her plan didn’t work because my mother and I talked and figured what we already had known to be true that she was back to her ways again.

She didn’t win once again and that really pisses her off. So it is Thursday which is my Friday and the day is going great. It is an hour away from my shift to end and weekend to begin so I was excited, but that quickly turned for the worse. My boss turns to me and tells me how she had been trying to fight this but it is out of her control while handing me a piece of paper. I am so confused like what’s going on and realized how someone had called and lied about a bunch of stuff about me, she asked if I had any clue as to who it could of been. I automatically knew and I was let go! A job I have had for years that I actually liked and had a shift I wanted just gone? I couldn’t believe it, why? How could your own blood go as low as getting their sister and the mother of her nephews fired? I still can’t believe it as I am writing this.

Now I am jobless with two sons who depend on me, bills piling up, what am I going to do? While she live at the same place as me so I have to see her everyday just drives me crazy. No matter how angry I am, I couldn’t do anything because she has a brain disorder and has had 16 brain surgeries. So she is considered disabled and gets a check, she has no idea what it is like having to put someone else first or having someone depend on her. How could someone be that low, especially your own sister? At least I had finally set up therapy for the first time in my life beforehand and my appointment was the next day. That should help a little right? Get some things off my chest for once, I have never been good at explaining my feelings but I definitely could now.It is Friday and the day of my appointment of course I barely slept and still am in disbelief. I realize it is time to start getting ready for my appointment. Of course, as I said it, I get a call to reschedule the appointment because she is out of office today. The domino effect and black cloud are working together now. Just been one thing after another.

I am trying to stay strong for my sons but it is very hard. I have been questioning, maybe I am actually a bad person, but I know I am not. I have been given a shitty hand all my life and for what reason? I really am thinking that this black cloud is not going to stop till I finally break. My heart is just getting colder and maybe I should be a monster. Just become a bad person because being good is not getting me anywhere. They say the good guys finish last right? That thought has crossed my mind way too much the past couple of days and I still can’t bring myself to be a horrible person. The cycle will just continue if I do, because my sons would see that is the way to be and I can not let them be horrible people. I will tell you it is very hard trying to mentally heal yourself and be a parent at the same time, because all I want to do is give up, but I can’t. Not only is it I can’t, I won’t give up. I have always been a fighter and protector, so I will not let that stop me. I will do better and achieve more, just to prove you can’t keep me down. What doesn’t kill ya makes ya stronger right? My motivation to succeed is not stopping and I will get there. Until then I am just an only child, who is fighting a dark cloud, and will let karma finish the rest.

To You I Write This Letter

This letter is to you,

I know you have been struggling lately trying to stay afloat. Your whole world is turning upside down and you have no clue as to why. You have put on your brace face for too long and you can’t take it any longer. You’re trying to believe there is good in this world but all you are seeing is bad. Why can’t you just catch a break, why can’t something go right for once, why can’t you just be happy? You are at rock bottom right now and you’ve been here more then you’d like to admit. So why shouldn’t you give up, life certainly shows that you should right? You have been so good to people but people have managed to suck the soul right out of you. So why should you try anymore?

I’ll tell you why you should keep going, you are a fighter never backing down no matter what! You are what makes this world different, you might now believe that but we need someone like you to guide others. You don’t understand how incredible you are. You motivate others, that’s why it might seem like the world is out to get you but don’t let it! So see yourself for who you truly are, don’t give up, & stay that warrior you’ve always been.

Don’t Stop Just Keep Going

  • Keep Going!
  • No matter how Stuck you feel in life.
  • No matter how Bad things get for you.
  • No matter how many night you’ve spent Crying yourself to sleep
  • No matter how Hopeless you feel about everything.
  • No matter how many days you have went Comparing yourself to others.
  • No matter how many times people have tried to Bring You Down.
  • No matter the days you have felt like you Can’t Do Anything Right.
  • No matter how many people Judge you.
  • No matter what Fears you have.
    No matter how many days you have went Wishing things were Different.
  • You will not feel this way Forever, I promise. Just start living life how you want too, but just Keep Going!
  • 12 Things To Remember Through Life.

    1. You can not change the past it’s the past for a reason.
    2. Opinions don’t refine your reality.
    3. Everyone’s journey through life is different.
    4. Judgements are confessions of character.
    5. Overthinking will lead to sadness & being stuck.
    6. You are the only one who controls your happiness it is found within.
    7. You have to give time for things to get better.
    8. Positive thoughts will make how you look at things better so they will bring better outcomes.
    9. Smile whenever you can you never know whose day it will change.
    10. Spread kindness everywhere you go
    11. Quitting is the only reason you will fail.
    12. Be the change you want to see in the world, because what goes around comes around.

    How Can One Minute Of Our Life Affect Us Entirely?

    A year, a month, a day, or just a single minute has the chance to change everything in our life. You never know what each day brings and how it will change you. It only takes one phone call, one tear, or one heartbreak to change the way you look at things. You can look back and see how much it has changed you and dwell on the fact, or you can use it to motivate yourself to do what you had wished you’d done. You only get one life and in those sixty seconds everything could change. Live life how you want to, show others love, be a wildflower in a bed of roses, and delightfully chaotic. Just enjoy life however and wherever you can because you never know when that one minute will come.

    Is The Relationship Different Behind Closed Doors?

    7C2081A9-962C-4F8C-847E-8C39D6755ADBDo you ever notice when you and your partner are out in public he’s charming, nice, engaging, but when you get back to the house they are completely different? If your answer is yes, then you most likely are dating a narcissist and in a toxic relationship. Most likely you already knew that or your still in the hypnosis stage of the narcissist. If you don’t understand that part it is like you are in this trance that you thought you never would be in. Do you find yourself thinking what is going on or who am I, since you have been in the relationship? If you answered yes again then yes, your relationship is toxic and most likely dealing with a narcissist.

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    So you met someone who seemed too good to be true, am I right? It was like love at first sight, so charming, so intriguingsomeone you always wanted to fall in love with. Your partner probably gets along with everyone because of their charismatic nature, always so self composed, and caring. At first they wanted to know everything about you, weaknesses, problems, life struggles, every little detail. I bet you thought they really care obviously since they are so intrigued about me right? That is your partner gaining knowledge to use against you, they are preparing, but first they need you to fall in love. Love Bombing is what they do best. Just remember while you are reading this it is NOT your fault and it can happen to anyone. They said all the right things in the beginning, you told them about past shitty ex’s most likely & their response was you don’t have to worry about that with me, or something along the lines of that. They also did all the right things in the beginning where you felt so high on love that nothing could bring you down. So the Love Bombing worked, and you end up head over heels. Your narc has you now wrapped around their twisted little finger, without you even knowing because why would you they are everything and more. Time goes by a little and day by day things seem to change. Their attitude when you guys are alone might seem harsher, you might notice come criticism, and controlling behavior. They can not just go full-blown narcissist on you yet, they have to slowly ease towards it first before they rip off their mask completely. You might not notice them easing towards the side you thought you would have never seen at first because you love them.

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    The mask ended up coming completely off right? They went slow at first starting with little things to soul suck you draining every ounce of self-esteem you had. They started criticizing everything, the way you dressed, looked, how you are supposed to feel. They started controlling every aspect of you life, who you could be friends with, how you could dress, how you had to have them with you if you ever wanted to hang out with friends. They ended up isolating you from everyone including family because who needs anybody else when you have them. The longer it went or goes by you find yourself feeling like a puppet while your partner pulls the strings. If you ever mention anything about how you feel, you are overreacting and crazy, so you start to double think maybe your making a big deal about nothing. You are living in hell literally, walking on eggshells, double thinking what you do or say because you do not want to set them off.  Your mind ends up blank because opinions, what are those? You are not allowed to disagree with your partner. Who would you tell anyways because nobody would believe that such a charming and nice person would act like that.

    Living In Terror, right? Everyday you just pray things will get better it never does, you always end up doing something to set them off even while trying your best not too, but it never happens. Through the mental abuse you now are dead inside living in a shell. Most of the time it will turn violent in these types of relationships. Even though you have the bruises or whatever that are visible, if someone asks about them you lie. Who would believe you anyways? Everyone close to you will notice a difference in the way you hold yourself most likely, so they might start suspecting things. They might finally try to talk to you about it but you can’t say anything, well it seems like that at the moment. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

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    When they do domestically abuse you, they are sorry right? Yea of course they pretend to be sorry, they can not lose their puppet they have been playing with. They might even use the tactic of I’m going to kill my self cause I’m so horrible, so now you’re consoling them, most likely telling your partner everything is fine when you know it’s not. So it will be your fault in the end because if you hadn’t done this they wouldn’t have lost their temper. Are you realizing now that is not love? Your partner will sense that so they will put back on their mask to make everything seem like it’s back to normal. Catch and release is what I like to call it, they are nice and you feel at ease just like a fish finally being released back into the water. They see you bought it so they take the mask back off boom catched again, like a fish struggling for water. You can’t leave until they are finished most of the time. If you can then do it now so you don’t become another woman dead at the hands of her abuser. In most cases they will just ghost you because they need or found a new puppet. You will most likely wonder what you did wrong, why did they just leave, but take it as a win. You will realize how better off you are but you will go through some emotional overload at first, just take the time to heal whether it is months or a year it is different for everyone. Now if you read this and are in a relationship now that matches this. LEAVE them now, no you can not fix them, no they will not change, and yes it will just get worse. You are not dumb or naive, you are a warrior with a caring heart. With all off that being said to the survivors you are stronger than you might think and same to the ones who are suffering silently.

    Much Love- Delightfully Chaotic

    The Weird Normal For A Family In The Eyes Of A Little Girl

    Normal families usually include a mother, father, sibling setting right? Well that wasn’t my reality, mine was mother and mother’s secret boyfriend. Father with fathers secret girlfriend. Even being really young you pretty much know that isn’t normal but being young you don’t really take it into consideration that much, I mean we had to act like the perfect family for the worlds view. Except it wasn’t normal, I knew better not to mention to either parent about their other significant other, but being grilled and asked all the time sometimes I would slip and accidentally tell. I was just tired of the arguing, the fighting, the being woken up in the middle of the night by fighting because once again mom came home drunk to fight with dad. I don’t know how many times being drug out of bed in the middle of the night cause one of them found out where the other one was. Mommy I would yell daddy is beating up your boyfriend or vice versa. That was my normal version of a “family.” The time finally came for the divorce, I know most kids would be distraught but honestly I was relieved. I was tired of faking a happy family when in reality it was complete chaos behind closed doors. How worse could it get now right? The question you should never ask yourself because it can be. I was a daddy’s girl but his new girlfriend wanted me out of the picture you see because she had her own daughters who needed a father, so slowly I was pushed aside with my dad being oblivious to what was happening not seeing how she was always making me feel uncomfortable being there, made it known by her I wasn’t welcomed. I quit coming around I quit trying I wasn’t relevant anymore he had 3 other daughters to take care of now. Now I didn’t have my dad and was stuck with my mother. See she’s a narcissist & needs someone around to make miserable that’s how she thrives. She’s a puppet master and loves pulling on those strings. I had no one when I needed them the most. She ended up being in the bars mostly every night bringing home every joe blow anyways so at least I had that to give me a break from the mental destruction that was leading me too. Even with growing up thinking that was normal it made me know what I didn’t want to be like. So far have succeeded and will make sure I never do. With that being said I’m going to end it right there, there’s more that builds up to all of this but I’ll continue it later. Read More